


Killer Graces & Secret Places

by kimaracretak



Category: Babylon 5
Genre: F/F, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, elizabeth understandably has a lot of issues re: zoe so yknow proceed with caution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-19
Updated: 2014-01-19
Packaged: 2018-01-09 08:11:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1143617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimaracretak/pseuds/kimaracretak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(that secret pact you made back when her love could save you): because it's been twenty years and elizabeth's password is still "zoe's dead"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Killer Graces & Secret Places

**Author's Note:**

> written january 2012 as part of my ongoing mission to make everyone else as sad about lizzie/zoe as i am

It was never supposed to end like this. It had always been Elizabeth and Zoe, together against the world. Saving each other, keeping each other alive. And now Zoe's dead.

_Zoe'sdeadZoe'sdeadZoe'sdeadZoe'sdead._

Elizabeth failed. She left Zoe, trusted her when she said she was fine, because they always trusted each other. They had been a unit since they were five, they were _lizzieandzoe;_ one person, one life, one love. And she fucked it up, got so hooked on smack that she left to get another fix on her own. And now Zoe's dead.

_Zoe'sdeadZoe'sdeadZoe'sdeadZoe'sdead._

Zoe was her first and last great love. Zoe saved her from herself, from her father, from everyone who tried to tell her she wasn't worth anything. She kissed Zoe and the world fell away, Zoe made her scream and she forgot everything but the two of them. When they were alone, the days and nights blended together, but Elizabeth didn't care. There was only the drugs, and Zoe. That was all that ever mattered to them. There was always an unspoken understanding between them that the other came first, and then the drugs. The first day Elizabeth forgot was the day that Zoe died.

_Zoe'sdeadZoe'sdeadZoe'sdeadZoe'sdead._

Elizabeth let down six people in her life. _One_ her little brother who always looked up to her but when she ran away she never gave him a second thought; _Two_ her father who wanted her to be the perfect military daughter and threatened Zoe the first day he met her; _Three_ her mother who loved her but never knew how to say it; _Four_ Zoe the day she left her alone and let her die; _Five_ herself because she betrayed Zoe's trust; _Six_ John because she married him thinking she could find absolution and instead used him until she was almost unrecognizable. But throughout the years the only one that ever kept her awake was Zoe. Zoe who deserved everything good that life had to offer. Zoe who she would have done anything for. Zoe who loved her; Zoe who wanted to be a doctor; Zoe who she was going to help through school when they got off the streets. Zoe who's dead.

_Zoe'sdeadZoe'sdeadZoe'sdeadZoe'sdead._

No matter how high Zoe got, her eyes never changed. Her eyes were full of love and laughter and life, her eyes spoke of adventures. Elizabeth could get lost in those eyes for hours, back when they were young. Even now, it takes no effort to call them to mind again: sparkling green and gold as they made plans, or going wide and black with desire as Elizabeth drove her crazy with her fingers and tongue. When Zoe was high, her eyes took on a slightly manic sheen. But that expression always meant the start of a brand new adventure: a new place, a new drug, a new way to live; Elizabeth loved it just as much as she loved everything else about Zoe. Zoe was angelic, and her eyes spoke of eternity together. Twenty years later, as Elizabeth touches herself alone, she still sees Zoe's eyes when she comes – Zoe's eyes shining with love just like they did the night they ran away, when Elizabeth knelt before her and tasted her for the first time. But Zoe's eyes don't shine anymore, because Zoe's dead.

_Zoe'sdeadZoe'sdeadZoe'sdeadZoe'sdead._

The one knife Elizabeth owns is old, the gold-painted hilt flaking. She bought it when she and Zoe ran away, because it was untraceable and she thought she was going to protect Zoe. Zoe was her princess, Zoe was her fantastical escape, and even in their darkest days together she always protected her. Until she forgot, and Zoe died.

_Zoe'sdeadZoe'sdeadZoe'sdeadZoe'sdead._

The day she found Zoe's body, she wondered how hard she would need to cut with it to slit her throat. She wondered how deeply it would sheathe itself inside her body before she would join Zoe in death. She never found out; she ran back to her father, cursing her weakness at every step. Elizabeth had followed Zoe everywhere, had promised she would follow her for eternity, or as close to it as they could come together. The next year, on the anniversary of Zoe's death, she sat in an Earthforce Academy dorm room, spinning the knife around and around and around. It was still whole, then, and sharp enough to cut through her skin smoothly enough that it barely hurt at all. The blood dripped down into the sink, _one two three four,_ each drop mingling with her tears and reminding her that the blood is the least of what she lost. She lost Zoe because she was too fucking high to remember their first rule. She does this every year, because she can never forget that it's her fault Zoe's dead.

_Zoe'sdeadZoe'sdeadZoe'sdeadZoe'sdead._

They loved each other. That was supposed to be enough. But Zoe's still dead.

_Zoe'sdeadZoe'sdeadZoe'sdeadZoe'sdead._


End file.
